Becoming a mum is a very surreal experience. The moment I was handed Jensen, an emotion I’d never felt before came over me. A new found love for this tiny human, a type of love you can only hear about. My mum had always told me I will love him more than I could explain, but I never truly understood what she meant until he arrived.
Not knowing what sex he was really hard. I struggled a lot with my mental health throughout my pregnancy. I couldn’t accept it to begin with. Something I had wanted for so long, to be a mum, was hard to come to terms with.
I had no symptoms. None at all. I had no sickness, bloating, headaches. But it’s hard to explain to others how you don’t feel pregnant as you have no definitive symptoms. All I was told was that I was lucky, which I was. I know there are people who are hospitalised with sickness and dehydration or with more serious symptoms throughout pregnancy. But not having anything to link with the pregnancy in the first trimester took a toll on my mental health. I completely convinced myself that all of my pregnancy tests were false positives, that I was having a hysterical pregnancy and I’d get to my 12 week scan and there would be nothing there. Then, when we did have a scan with a little bean wriggling around and a strong heartbeat pumping away, my head told me that it was fake, that the sonographer was showing me someone else’s baby.
Talking to my husband about this was hard. Telling him I didn’t believe our baby was coming was hard for him to hear. He was the strongest person I could hope to go through this with. I knew he was scared about the fact that something may go wrong, but he never told me that. He stood strong and kept my thoughts at bay throughout my whole pregnancy.
Mental health is important during pregnancy. Your hormones are literally all over the place and you cannot control them sometimes. I once cried over a bowl of jelly. Looking back it was hilarious, but at the time, all I could think about was how people were looking at me and thinking I was pathetic and that it was just a bowl of jelly.
Looking back over everything, I do believe that if I knew I was having a boy, I would have been able to fully bond with the pregnancy and mentally take on the role of a mum before physically becoming a mum.
Over his last month, I’ve got to grips with being a first time mum and it hasn’t been easy, especially with the fear of Covid-19 infecting us and those we love. But I’ve found reassurance in my friends and family, and in the Instagram community, and I hope to pay them back.
I hope I haven’t bored you with my ramblings, if you’ve even read this far, but if you have, thank you 🙂
Until next time
Jade x
Jensen's Mum 